I figured I use this post as an opportunity to vent to a non-human, if that makes any sense.
Yesterday, I was talking to my son’s father and I was again attempting to explain to him that there won’t be a future for the two of us. I told him that I wanted to remain honest in this whole situation and not try to lead him on with any negative thoughts. I explained to him that I had developed strong feelings for someone else and that out of respect for him, we should just remain great friends and continue to raise our child. I was kind of ready for what was to occur next but not to this certain degree.
I guess my honesty was too much for him because he snapped. “if we can’t be a family then I don’t want anything to do with Dhani.” “you are really stupid for loving someone who clearly doesn’t feel the same” “blah, blah, blah” I was attacked, verbally. I just didn’t understand what was the point of requesting the truth when you can’t fully deal with it. I told him that he was acting childish and was only hurting Dhani by claiming that he did not want to be involved with his upbringing.
The conversation ended.
Now, I don’t know if I stated this before but we have had this conversation quite a few times before and he always called back the next day apologizing and stating that he would be in Dhani’s life regardless of our situation. Those few words usually were enough to ease my fears, but this time is much different.
I was angered and upset that he really thought using my child as leverage to control the outcome of our relationship was his motive. Speechless. I was at a loss for words after that conversation ended and I immediately looked to my bestfriend to vent to. I had never been that upset and blinded by rage in my life and the effects of it was terrifying. I found myself filled with thoughts of hate and disgust to a man I onced loved and would give the world too.
How could I continue to let myself get hurt? Why was I letting him control my emotions? I felt weak. Defeated. Two things I never want to feel ever again.
After crying and venting to Oliver, I decided to end this toxic cycle. I can not continue to let him use my child, as a pawn to keep us together. It hurts so bad to come to this conclusion but I can not continue in this fashion. This man is forcing me to begin to HATE him. I never imagined we would be in this situation. I mean every women wants to have the perfect family, but I’m not searching for perfection anymore. I just want him to be the perfect father like I know he can be.
My only solution. Cutting ties, communication…whatever. I need to regain control of this situation. If he really doesn’t want to be involved with my child anymore, so be it. I can’t force a relationship between those two. I wish I could but, I can’t.
I wrote my first and last letter to him. “You won’t hurt me anymore. Have a nice life, I’m gone.” Summed up my thoughts perfectly.