Speechless & Confused

When it comes to relationships, I always find a way to ruin it. It’s like I place high expectations upon myself & end up failing miserably. I guess it’s because I’m truly scared to love another male ever again. My first love, my son’s father destroyed me mentally & emotionally. I let him get the best of me and it ended up defeating me. I can happily say that I have overcame that battle but yet a small piece of me is scared to give my all to another man.
Now I know men & women hate being compared to past failures and I’m not a culprit of that. I would more so say that I’m successfully separating my past failure from my future success it’s just that I’m scared to love again. However, I have been in love again but I treated that relationship with little to no respect. I think I was just happy to have someone who truly cared for me until I found out about his “double life”. Again I was hurt, destroyed, upset but most of all I was confused. I thought I had prepped myself for not allowing heartache & pain. Sadly I was mistaken and I again vowed to never give my all to another man.
Fast forward a few months & my second love & I reconnected. It was tough at first because of the hurtful things I did & he was still involved. Out of respect for his significant other, we worked on our friendship. Yet it was like old times & things began to move fast, I was under the impression that they were not together anymore and that eased my concerns of being a “homewrecker”. Things would get better & then terribly fail. I was still communicating with boys and he with her. Although when we were together nothing else seemed to concern the both of us.
And this is where we are today. Friends who sometimes play “bf/gf roles.” I’m in no way trying to rush a relationship because I want to be certain that we both are ready to try it again.
My loss for words and confusion stems from my ultimate frustration of not being able to fully express my feelings for him. I’m completely lost. I want to assure him that I want him and only him. I want to ease his fears of being heart broken again. I just want to spend my whole life with this man…but. I’m scared.
I’m scared of failure & I do NOT want to fail this relationship. Ugh, why must love be so complicated? I need help…answers. Just some sort of advice.
I’m ready to love again, at least I think.

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