What the FUCK?

First off let me apologize for the harsh title but seriously I’m just at a freaking loss for words…why me man? I swear I try my best at everything I do. Whether it’s my job, my education, motherhood…but yet I always seem to fall short in one area. Frickin relationships. I mean seriously why are they so complex, so up & down, so frustrating?
This whole situation has opened my eyes to a lot. For instance never ever rebuild a friendship and involve feelings with someone who is still emotionally attached to someone else. This little fun fact bit me hard in my butt this week. Lord give my strength because I’m hurting like never before. I should have never allowed our friendship to move at the pace it did. Yet in still I can not completely blame myself because if I’m not certain he was feeling the same feelings I was. And this is what has led me to be confused. Why? Why try and move on when you know in your heart you aren’t ready? Why discuss a promising future together when your past is what you ever wanted? Why attempt something new when you have baggage? I felt led on, shoot at times I feel as if I was used. As if I was just someone who was there to pass the time until things back home worked themselves out.
I just do not get it. From start to finish things seemed exceptional…wonderful. But you mean to tell me one week & BAM shit hits the fan? I got the short end of the stick. My feelings were tossed to the side…oh she’ll be okay, we will remain friends, while I fix my other situation. What?
I can not. I will not ever be able to be this mans friend. My heart will not allow it. I know that seems crazy and down right insane but seriously I have never had a connection with another man like that in my entire life. Granted I’m only 22 but come on now. I want to be friends. I want to be in his corner and him in mine but I can’t and I won’t because of this thing beating inside my chest. My emotions & feelings towards him will always remain strong and I can’t allow that torture to take place. Call it me being selfish or whatever but I just can’t sit there and witness their relationship flourish. That will destroy me, for now at least. I know with time my thoughts will change and I will have moved on but for now I’m deeply hurt and will continue to act as described.
But you know what scares me the most? What if I never have a strong connection with another man like the one I had before? What if I missed out on my soulmate? Will I ever feel this way again? I’ve never used the term soulmate to describe anyone but a part of me wants to label him as that and man is that terrifying. In the back of my mind I feel as if we will meet again due to this thing connecting us. This time together has only enhanced it and has allowed us to realize it was there.
I just want to cry my little eyes out and hope that things will improve. That my mastery of relationships will improve. I’m trying to stay positive. I’m trying to remain a lady but I can’t deny that I want to wish all the evil in the world upon them. That things fail and he’s left regretting his decision. But that would never be me. It’s not in my nature to have hatred towards anyone. I truly just want him to be happy, I wish I could have held that job for a lot longer but things change. Things happen for a reason, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.
I’m hoping this path that I’m walking down is leading me to an exceptional man who I can love and care for and who will do the same. Who will reciprocate my love and stay true to me. Again I love hard, it’s both my downfall as well as a plus.
I’m empty. Destroyed. Defeated.
I just want to be happy again.

Sigh.

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